I’m sure I’ve always wanted to be a writer. I can remember the times when I was in grade school and handwriting was my favorite, the action of moving my hands to create a message is one of my most loved past times. I wrote letters to my friends- some really nice, some not so nice and some were used against me whether they were trustingly handed over or bound inside my journal. These last few years I have been inspired by writers from all over and how they bring healing and self discovery into spaces longing to have a connection to positivity. That is why I am here. To experience those feelings at the highest vibrations. Every month, we want to share a journal topic with you all in hopes that you would join in and work within your heart. This question came from a very respected Instagram influencer in the wellness space; Alex Elle:
Who do you give yourself permission to be?
The first time I could recall feeling the most grave disappointment was the day I sat outside on the steps of my home waiting for my dad to pick me up and take me back to Oakland. I must have got up from those steps and returned to those steps more times than I can remember but to paint the picture, I will give you the scene. Looking to the west, you can see the whole street all the way to the horizon. Cars are going by; the neighborhood kids are running ramped in the streets. The sun moves like a slow motion lopped pitch across the sky until it starts to create the illusion of melted rainbow sherbet amongst the tops of the Oak trees lining Malaga Way. I came to terms that he wasn’t coming and joined my mom inside the house. I was just 9.
From that day on, I looked at my playmates differently. At such a young age I started making the determination that if I wanted people to depend on, I had to be that person. I was not going to accept fallacy as a component of friendship. I seemed to hop around cliques a lot, resting assured all my eggs weren’t in one basket. When people would hurt my feelings I took it so personal. I took it as an attack, and whether or not you were prepared; I took you to war. A person with this mind set becomes mean and hard. I had a barrier you could not penetrate, not unless you were willing to disarm yourself.
Over time, I realized that my attitude and my baggage were really starting to hold me down. I needed to shed the weight, to clip the ends, cleanse the palate and to revive the heart. Two months after a Valentines break up, I met a man. I was open but still resistant because I was supposed to be working on me, damn it. I was supposed to experience independence. I couldn’t shake the fact that I was absolutely sure God sent him to help with the healing. We had a friendship. A deep rooted amazing friendship; that blossomed into love.
Through this unconditional love, the love where if you looked at it on paper; should have never happened – I found me again. I found my soul. I breathed a deep breath into her and filled her with light. Every day I evolve into a person I can be proud of. The mom, who is loving and understanding but firm and adamant. The wife that challenges her husband to dream bigger and to let people into his heart. The daughter who understands now the sacrifices of a parent and who appreciates everything her Mom and Dad were able to do for her.
I see myself as someone who is not afraid to grow and accept new ideas that challenge where I have been and where I want to go. I need not accept any limits unless I want to.
I give myself permission to be, love.